A Field in Bloom

As a polyamorous person, maintaining a relationship in the midst of one ending is probably the most difficult thing that I have done. The end of my marriage after 12 years has brought to the surface long held insecurities, pieces of the broken parts of me that I thought I had cleaned up long ago. While I refuse to speak about the final causes of the end of that relationship in such a public forum, I can take the time to look at my exposed self, and delicately dissect it, both in my personal life and in sessions with my dedicated therapist. But this is what this post is about.

This post is about managing my current relationship with my girlfriend while I have watch my internal and external worlds slowly implode and morph. Many years ago, I believed myself to be a relationship anarchist, putting no one relationship above another, valuing no one love above all else. My priorities shifted with marriage and the birth (physically and metaphorically) of our children together. I spent 12 years as a devoted stay at home parent and house wife. I put all my energy into that, so much so that I was often left at the end of the day with no energy for myself. I put the dreams of my husband, my children at the forefront of my mind and let the self I had no slip away. I practiced hierarchy. Not just in terms of outside lovers, but in terms of internal family structure.

Now outside of that marriage, that setup, I find myself gazing at my options, much like a field of flowers in the blooms of spring. Do I continue to practice this hierarchal mindset or do I give myself the freedom to love as my heart wishes? In the bigger scheme of things, the needs of my child will always come before anything else because I am a mom above all else. That being said, I think I might choose to put myself much higher on the list of consideration. This becomes tricky for my innner self, given my submissive nature. My girlfriend and I are also in the early stages of a D/s dynamic, so my mind often drifts to her and her need and her wants. But in some ways that is a selfish act for me. I love being of service to her. I love the dynamic that is blossoming. I love her in so many ways.

But loving her is a choice I make every single day. Love is an action. A person can have feelings, but choose not to act upon them. They may love someone and still know that a romantic relationship would be a disaster for a number of reasons. My love for her is an action I take every day. First as her girlfriend, and secondly as her submissive. That power exchange, the…