Establishing Values as a Submissive

There are reasons that I submit deeper to my Miss than any dominant I have had before. Many of those reasons have to do with Miss- with her attitude and her actions, with the way she behaves inside of our dynamic. Over the last year, however, I have spent time developing my own values, my own principles that guide me as I make decisions during my day. While some of these principles existed before, I didn’t focus on them as much, or I allowed myself to be sidetracked when making decisions by the priorities of other people.

Having primary values is not a new concept for people in the lifestyle. Within the leather community, for example, it is very common for people to talk about principles that are supposed to guide behavior- honor, mutual respect, loyalty, and honesty are common. I have also heard many Dominants talk about their values, their sense of honor, what makes them worthy of someone’s submission.

What is talked about less is a value system for the submissive. I think many assume that, when partnered, the submissive should adopt the values of the Dominant, allow the Dtypes honor to guide them. That submissive’s are followers. Slaves especially are supposed to have a goal of “surrender and obedience.” We let go of ourselves to be moldable for our Dtypes, becoming what they want and need us to be.

This belief was all I had for well over a decade, and many consider me a very good submissive because of it. I gave myself over to that role so completely that I often lost myself in it. I devoted myself to the thoughts and values of another and forgot every concept of who I was outside of that relationship. I spent years doing that until one day I realized that I had no idea who I was, what I wanted from life for myself, that I had no dreams of my own. I had wrapped so much of my personality around the desires of other people that there was no way for me to submit- there was nothing left of myself to give.

Around this time last year, I had an awakening of sorts. I looked around at the life I had built with my husband/Daddy/Dominant and realized that while I was going through all the motions of submission, I didn’t feel anything positive from it. I felt resentful- that I gave so much of myself and didn’t feel Dominance, love, or ownership in return. I realized that I no longer knew who I was, what I wanted to offer someone, or what was important to me as a person or as a submissive.