It Wasn’t Supposed to be a Collar

When I bought this bracelet, I didn’t intend for it to have meaning. It was part of a set that I thought was pretty and I knew that we were looking for something that could be used to signal the transition from a normal frame of mind to higher protocol. Something that could go on my body as a physical reminder of an emotional and mental place.

When I asked to wear it before the weekend began, I was struggling with my anxiety and stress levels and I needed to feel the connection to my submission, to you, even though we weren’t together. In some ways, that was a transition in protocol- my heartspace shifted at that moment and I held on to it like I was drowning and it would keep me afloat. When we had a hard conversation the next day and went into our scene that night, it continued to be a liferaft. I had felt increasingly disconnected from you as you struggled with your own stress levels, and I needed something that I could physically touch as you took the space that you needed.

It hadn’t left my wrist until last night. I know that I fuss with it from time to time- it’s a little loose, so I tend to fidget it with it, sliding around my wrist when I’m anxious or having sensory issues. But I also touch it when I’m thinking of you, when I pause during my day and focus on you, on my submission, on how I feel in our relationship. Even knowing all of that, I didn’t realize that I would feel loss at the idea of it coming off. It isn’t supposed to be a collar.

There was a sharpness to the ache in my chest, a catch in my breath when I realized that it would have to come off so that rope could go on. I knew it was temporary, but it was still discomforting. So I appreciated when you paused, your fingers wrapped around my wrist, reminding me that, though the bracelet was off, I was still just as much yours, that nothing was lost.

There was a knot in my chest until it was secured back around my wrist after class, one I didn’t know how to deal with. It wasn’t supposed to be a collar.

I know that the feeling of being owned has been building in me for a few months now. Every time I sign an email “-yours.” Every time you mark me when we have to separate. Every time I kneel for you, present or not. Every time we discuss our contract. All the little bits of time that we focus on our energy on our dynamic.

So the real questions now are “How do we both feel about this? What does this change?”