It’s about the Journey

We all start somewhere small. We go about our daily lives, not daring to express the thoughts that exist in the deep recesses of our imaginations. And one day we encounter a person or a movie or a book that illuminates what we were afraid to admit we liked and everything comes into view. And once we see it, acknowledge the desire to know more, we can never look away again, never pretend that desire isn’t there.

It’s meant to be a journey, one that teaches us about ourselves along the way. When we rush along the path, give into frenzy, we grow too fast and often there are consequences for skipping over things. I’m not saying that is “one true way” to become a submissive, to be trained, nor that there is a pivotal moment where a submissive reaches enlightenment and transforms into the ultimate slave. But what I have found to be true is that engaging in a D/s dynamic on either side will expose all of the cracks in your foundation.

I was a gifted and talented child that grew up into a perfectionist adult, always striving to be better, and often refusing to rest. I have a praise kink, and I strive to gain recognition, if only from myself. But I am a harsh task mistress and always see work that isn’t done, rather than everything that I have accomplished.

One of the hardest skills for me to learn is the ability to step back from my own judgement. As a person who feels a sense of belonging to another person, I have had to learn that sometimes, it isn’t up to me to define what perfect is, what satisfactory is, or even what failure is. Part of submission for me is to let those things be something that she defines, and follow the guidance that she offers. I call this the skill of being still.

As I travel on this journey and devote more of myself to my submission, I have had to realize that sometimes the most intense way for me to offer myself to her is to be still and silent, to wait patiently for her leadership, and to have trust that she will give it. So much of my life has been active- striving to accomplish something, to make someone else proud, being the person who acts- that finding the inner strength to do nothing has been something I have been too weak to do.

As a person who rushed along the beginning part of my journey, I have found flaws in my own foundation that have required repair before I can move forward. The weakness of being too quick to act has led me to a number of problems; anxieties that I have had to work through, walls that I built that…