Submission without Conditions

“I want to put myself absolutely at your mercy for good or evil without any condition, without any limit to your power.”

— Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs

Isn’t this the ultimate fantasy for most submissives? Offering all of the power they have, turning over every decision to an authority figure, no limits, no safewords. I think the appeal is that we have found a person we can trust to do those things with, more than the acts involved. We seek someone we don’t have to monitor, who can read our thoughts, our bodies, so that we may float away from the stress of the decisions we have to make, the lives we have to lead.

Logically, I know that this would only work for contained periods of time. There are too many moving pieces to my life, too many things that I cannot walk away from, that I have to be in control of. Work and school and my child top that list. Since my marriage ended, I am focused on becoming fiercely financially independent. I also refuse to do no way out relationships; I find them a foolish fantasy because every relationship ends in some way.

But for a little while? It is a very hot fantasy to offer up all that I have, to have Miss be the center of my focus and attention. When we added higher levels of protocol to our contract, this was part of the feeling in mind. There is a need inside me to give up all that I am, all power I hold to someone willing to take it. To leave myself empty and utterly calm so that I might be refilled with all the essence of submission and surrender.

The slave heart that resides inside of me would gladly live in that feeling, wrap it around her like the comforting blanket it is, and never leave. No matter how many times I have tried to walk away from feelings like this, there is always a tiny whisper of that desire left, clinging in a way I can never quite clear.

It is the understanding that if I were to permanently give up my ambitions, my work, my school, my desires in life, I would be giving up parts of me that make me who I am, the person that she was attracted to in the first place. While I know that my devotion is attractive, that my willingness to surrender is beautiful, it loses its meaning when I am empty of the intelligence, the feistiness, the attitude that makes me the individual I am. For how could surrender have meaning when the heart is empty?