Suffering Beauty

I always find you beautiful. When you laugh at something ridiculous; when you see someone you love; when your eyes light up in excitement as you share a subject you like; even when you struggle with emotions and shed tears.

I have always known that I was a sadist. It’s not quite in equal measure to my masochistic pleasure, but I derive pleasure from hurting someone consensually. A lot of that stems from the confidence and power I feel, but also it relies on the energy the bottom is giving back to me. It’s probably for this reason I have never been anyone’s dominant. Sadism is a surface level activity. Dominance rips open a part of me that I didn’t know was possible.

To watch you suffer and process pain is a glorious exercise. The sounds you make, the way you squirm, the energy you give off… It is delicious. Every time we go there, I am flooded with ideas to push you, to hurt you, to give you some of the release I know that you need. But also, my beautiful girl, to surround you with comfort and love. To thrash your body against the rocks of my sadism, and then hold your beautifully bruised body and cherish every part of you. To drink you tears in and let them water the thorny vines in my heart.

I suffer as you suffer. I know what each stroke feels like. I know what it is like to be bound. I know the craving that exists in our souls to give, more and more. I know what it is to have to force yourself to hold back from the brink by shear force of will.

Thank you for your vulnerability as you submit. Thank you for letting me lead once in a while. Thank you for trusting me to take your hand and guide us through the things you struggle with when you are alone.

Your grace as you surrender to these moments reinforces my desire to submit and my devotion to you.