The Pride of a Submissive

How do you feel about pride? Can a submissive have pride in their service?

I think that there is nothing wrong with having pride as a submissive. Yes, I am proud of the service that I provide. Especially when Miss notices, or calls me a good girl. Many are aware of that heart swelling feeling when someone tells them that they have done something correctly or in a way that makes that person proud.

But there’s more than that. When I’m up on the cross, taking the canes or floggers or whips or whatever pain she wants to give me, I’m proud. I’m proud that my body can do this. I’m also proud of my body when we do rope. Friday is a great example of that. I was proud of myself, of my body, for being in the ties we did. I was proud of being calm, of being focused, of letting go of anxiety to be in the flow of the rope. I was proud of myself for being able to communicate if something did feel the way I knew that it should.

This pride has taken time to develop. I, like many people I know, have body issues built from years of personal trauma and judgement from society. I have spent time in my life hating my body. As a person with chronic pain issues, I have often felt frustrated or angry with the things that I wasn’t able to do or the way I felt just existing. I have felt ugly. Nothing that has been said by anyone else was able to fix that.

Somewhere in the past couple of years, however, that feeling began to lessen. It wasn’t an overnight journey or a complete fix. I still have days when looking in the mirror is difficult, or when I feel very self-conscious in clothing I have put on. But more and more I have felt that feeling shift. My body is a miraculous entity. I have birthed a child, survived physical trauma, and pushed limits that I have watched break other people.

I routinely put myself in situations of pain on purpose. I love the feeling of a cane, BECAUSE it hurts. I make efforts during scenes to be present with the sensation, to lean into that pain, to process it instead of dissociate from it. When I do that, I find the connections I seek, both with Miss and with myself. Connecting with that pain is something to be proud of. Pushing against the boundaries of what I think I can take is something to be proud of.

When I look at the bruises on my body, I see beauty. When Miss leaves her mark on my body and the bites take a week to heal, I look at them in the mirror. I realized a few months ago that looking at those marks…