Total Power Exchange

Having a Total Power Exchange relationship terrifies me. It’s not that I can’ t see myself going there with the right person. It’s just that it makes my heart beat in a way that I’m afraid of.

I’ve been in a few TPE relationships. I have handed myself over to dominants, believing that I would be safe. That rules would be made and tracked and enforced. That in exchange for handing over a large part of my will, I would be cherished and cared for. That when my behavior was modified, it was in my best interest. Once, I became a slave, and I gave up every aspect of who I was to be pleasing to my dominant then. The second time, I was his babygirl, as well as his submissive. But when things got hard and complicated in the bigger world, I was abandoned and it took years to even start to heal.

I have avoided TPE since. I have put strict limits on what parts of myself I was willing to offer up, built walls around the pieces of me that I wouldn’t let anyone touch. I have gotten good at maintaining my defenses, wearing a thick, heavy set of armor that doesn’t let anyone in.

This weekend at Scissortail, two classes had a massive impact on this way of thinking. Mostly because I agreed with so much of what was said. It was like a siren call, and I found myself looking at my Miss and wanting to blow holes in the walls that I have built so that she can find a way in. I want to draw her a map to the center of my being. I already tell on myself quite a bit, drop so many hints. But, in that moment, I desperately wanted to let her in, wave a…